Numero quatro!
Harry was leaning against my neighboors house looking like a Tommy Hilfigure model, reeking of gorgousness, and sour cream too. I slowly struted my stuff toward him walking to the beat of I love the way you lie,so I could make my grand entrance. As I got closer he seemed to slip farther and farther down, obviously entranced by my magnificant beauty. When I finally made it to him he had his eyes closed. So shy obviouslly, so I stroked his stubbly dirty face and wiped the sweat off of his brow, and like a real man would, he vomitted all over my new Orthepedic Doc Martins. He passed out into my arms and at that moment I knew it was love. I kissed his grimy cheek and drug his body down my alley into the shed. I covered him up with old sheets and put some of my grandmas cloths on him. The fit was snug but hugged his curves perfectly and showed off his happy trail. GORGOUS. I thought. I dont think I have ever been happier then in this filthy mans arms. Besides Chukee Cheese's of course. Nothing beats Chukee Cheese's becuase that place is the shit. So I solemly vowed to Harry as he was past out in my arms, that I would take him one day, and we would pronounce our love in the ball pit. As he awoke from his slumber he climbed out of my arms in a drunken stooper and tripped over my grandmothers yard flamingo breaking off its head and cutting his leg. I was pretty positive vampires didnt bleed so I was VERY disapointed. There was still hope for him being a werewolf or a warlock,so I didnt give up on my dream quite yet. When grandmother Bertha heard all the ruckess she ran back into the shed with a broom and tried to chace Harry out of the shed hollering and yelling and saying something about Him being homless, or smelling like alcohol, and sourcream or something like that. Whatever. She was jellous. So I snuck him through the back and let him sneak out the front door after grabbing some food. He stopped at my room taking all of my gold rings, chains, and earings, probably to sell to buy me a wedding ring, or maybe to just borrow, I trust him, hes a very thoughtful man. And so I watched out the window as his limped down the road with his cute little peg leg wondering if Id ever see that wonderful man ever again.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Chapter three in the life of Sheeya Nibbles
Numero tres!
It was the day of Christmas Eve when I next saw Harry. Dressed in all black with his viking mustache, he was the most handsome hed ever looked.I was going house to house caroling weird songs that Grammy Bertha made up, because she tought of christmas also as the "Devils work," and god would hate that we were celebrating his death, but I assured her tht he was ok with it, and that I emailed him personally and he said its all good homes. She finally gave up and for the first time let us eat the week of Christmas.
Harry was dashing as always even with his herpes on his lips and the dandruff on his head. I distinctly remember his crew cut pants, how they fit hit body so divine it made me wish I was inside them. I also remember the pipe that hung from his which mouth made him look like my father. My father was the only man I'd ever loved who'd promise to take me to Barbados. Which was my dream vacation spot with its obvious perks of hot sun and hot men.
It was the day of Christmas Eve when I next saw Harry. Dressed in all black with his viking mustache, he was the most handsome hed ever looked.I was going house to house caroling weird songs that Grammy Bertha made up, because she tought of christmas also as the "Devils work," and god would hate that we were celebrating his death, but I assured her tht he was ok with it, and that I emailed him personally and he said its all good homes. She finally gave up and for the first time let us eat the week of Christmas.
Harry was dashing as always even with his herpes on his lips and the dandruff on his head. I distinctly remember his crew cut pants, how they fit hit body so divine it made me wish I was inside them. I also remember the pipe that hung from his which mouth made him look like my father. My father was the only man I'd ever loved who'd promise to take me to Barbados. Which was my dream vacation spot with its obvious perks of hot sun and hot men.
Chapter two in the life of Sheeya Nibbles
Numero Dos!
Grandma had many obsessions, such as Bob Barker and the barefoot contessa on the food network,but by far her most annoyying obsession was everything anime in her room. She made me leave work twice so i could go pick up a dragon ball z limited addition stuffed animal, and another time to get zuko's autograph since she believes he's real. In the end i ended up forging it she couldn't tell the difference. I let Snooki her favorite cat write it.Grandma was blind anyways.
Lately I've been watching reruns of That 70's show and everytime I see hyde I think of her and that afro of hers. I swear they are alsmot identical.t.Then i remember that she forbid me to ever watch that show since it was the "devils work" and i turned it off, but then relized again she was blind and I turned on the mute and watched it anyways.
Grandma was a a tough woman, a real fighter in her younger days. One night after Grandmother Bertha finished her shift at Hooters she took her usual route home on her Blazer 500 razer scooter.Mike Tyson (obviously angry at her sucess) pushed her off of her scooter and posted it on youtube. Grammy Bertha in a rage tore off his left testicle and fed it to a dog walking by. Thats howh the idea of Tyson chicken nuggets.
Grandma Bertha was a real looker with her rippling biceps,sweaty gluteus maximus,and toned thighs that could crush an apple. Grandma always carried several bricks in her purse always afraid of being kidnapped. Even at the age of 82 she liked to wear her tight leather snake skin mini and blue sequin halter. Being blind she was never good at puting together outfits that matched, but she always did love the feel of polyester ag inst her sweaty skin.
One morning when I went into Grammys room to fill her pillow with sawdust, I noticed that all over the walls were little stickers. After close examination I came to relize that Grammy posted little Pokemon stickers all over her walls and smeared them with grape Jelly. When I asked her why she did this she simply responded with the answer she always did. "It reminds me of granda Cleadus, No go pick up your dirty underwear off of the kitchen floor"! And i responded with, "Grams, those are your depends. You got dressed in front of the kitchen window today. Oh and Timmy the little boy who always digs holes in our yard is in the hospital because of a heart attack".
In Grammys last few years she demanded every day to be given a sponge bath even though she was able to use her hands and legs perfectly fine. She instructed me to fill up the bathtub with 7 cups of water, a cup of oatmeal, and 12 red rose petals. She said she was afraid of drowning so if she accidently stood up, slipped on the soap, and hit her head, if she passed out, she woukdnt drown. So I asked how would she drowned if I was in there, and if there was only 7 cups why did I have to be in there in the first place. It reminds me of grandpa she said again.
Grandma had many obsessions, such as Bob Barker and the barefoot contessa on the food network,but by far her most annoyying obsession was everything anime in her room. She made me leave work twice so i could go pick up a dragon ball z limited addition stuffed animal, and another time to get zuko's autograph since she believes he's real. In the end i ended up forging it she couldn't tell the difference. I let Snooki her favorite cat write it.Grandma was blind anyways.
Lately I've been watching reruns of That 70's show and everytime I see hyde I think of her and that afro of hers. I swear they are alsmot identical.t.Then i remember that she forbid me to ever watch that show since it was the "devils work" and i turned it off, but then relized again she was blind and I turned on the mute and watched it anyways.
Grandma was a a tough woman, a real fighter in her younger days. One night after Grandmother Bertha finished her shift at Hooters she took her usual route home on her Blazer 500 razer scooter.Mike Tyson (obviously angry at her sucess) pushed her off of her scooter and posted it on youtube. Grammy Bertha in a rage tore off his left testicle and fed it to a dog walking by. Thats howh the idea of Tyson chicken nuggets.
Grandma Bertha was a real looker with her rippling biceps,sweaty gluteus maximus,and toned thighs that could crush an apple. Grandma always carried several bricks in her purse always afraid of being kidnapped. Even at the age of 82 she liked to wear her tight leather snake skin mini and blue sequin halter. Being blind she was never good at puting together outfits that matched, but she always did love the feel of polyester ag inst her sweaty skin.
One morning when I went into Grammys room to fill her pillow with sawdust, I noticed that all over the walls were little stickers. After close examination I came to relize that Grammy posted little Pokemon stickers all over her walls and smeared them with grape Jelly. When I asked her why she did this she simply responded with the answer she always did. "It reminds me of granda Cleadus, No go pick up your dirty underwear off of the kitchen floor"! And i responded with, "Grams, those are your depends. You got dressed in front of the kitchen window today. Oh and Timmy the little boy who always digs holes in our yard is in the hospital because of a heart attack".
In Grammys last few years she demanded every day to be given a sponge bath even though she was able to use her hands and legs perfectly fine. She instructed me to fill up the bathtub with 7 cups of water, a cup of oatmeal, and 12 red rose petals. She said she was afraid of drowning so if she accidently stood up, slipped on the soap, and hit her head, if she passed out, she woukdnt drown. So I asked how would she drowned if I was in there, and if there was only 7 cups why did I have to be in there in the first place. It reminds me of grandpa she said again.
Chapter one in the life of Sheeya Nibbles
Numero Uno!
The night that I fell in love with him was the night my grandmother died of lung cancer. For a mere moment I thought I died of lung cancer too because he took my breath away.
I instantly wanted to invite him over to watch gilmore girls but then i remembered the last time i invited a man over. The worst night of my life.I farted so loud the couch shook and he wouldnt look at me for the rest of the night, and when he left instead of a sweet kiss goodnight he punched my shoulder and said, 'bros for life.That was the night that I met Harry.
I was taking a walk through an abandoned alley hopeing to get bitten by a vampire and came a cross a balding man in a jumpsuit and a cape. I knew right away that he was the kind of man my grandmother would hate so I gave him 20 bucks and told him to follow me. We made sweet sweet love on the rug grandmother hand wove for 13 years. After a few drinks and a tapioca pudding we lye there in a heap and like a real man, he solied himself.
Before grandmother Bertha died she left me with her 8 cats that she named after the Jersey shore cast. Her favorite show of all time. Every night Pauly D and Mike would get out of the house and hump the garden knomes and Angelina would dig through the trash. Sammy pretty much slept all day and Ronnie plotted grandmothers death.
When Grandmother finally croaked on that fateful night the police came over for a little visit. I was terrified because I was almost positive I was the cause of death. Grandmother Bertha was allergic to cinamon. So on the counter I left her a little something every morning and sometimes sprinkled cinamon under nose while she slept when i got bored. On April Fools day I filled her toothpaste with cinnamon sprinkles. After the investigation we soon found out that Pauly D thought of her as a "grenade" and needed the extra bed so he suffocated her with his large body.
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